I would just like to report that pigs are flying.

The universe has evidently gone way off course–because, despite every single logical thing that I can think of, I won my battle with the mail-order prescription plan…and actually GOT A REFUND CHECK IN THE MAIL FROM THEM FOR THE ENTIRE ORDER OF BIRTH CONTROL PILLS I’D ORDERED.

This was not supposed to happen. In fact, the last customer service representative I spoke to–a nice woman, actually, whom I managed to have a long conversation with, during which neither one of us threatened the other–told me that I would not win.

“Write all the letters you want, but pigs will fly before you win this one,” she said very politely.

Here was the issue, which I wrote about here: the doctor had innocently written the prescription the wrong way, saying that I was to receive one month at a time, refillable eleven separate times, rather than writing it for three months, refillable three separate times. You would think a mail-order prescription company could cope with this–but mine decided to charge me the same price (SIXTY DOLLARS) for one month of pills as they charge for three months of pills, claiming that the money isn’t actually FOR the pills themselves, but is simply the co-pay.

This seemed perfectly reasonable to the NINE people I spoke to at the mail order company.

“It’s the CO-PAY,” they kept saying to me, in louder and louder voices, as though I must be a bit dim not to get this. “The CO-PAY.” 

So I called my company’s corporate headquarters and they instantly realized this was a horrible thing, and said that this was unacceptable. I explained to them that pigs would have to fly before anything would change, and they seemed upset to hear about that, since pigs so rarely take flight. Still, they asked me for a letter detailing the names and phone numbers of every single person I had spoken to–and not having anything better to do (my novel was due, but who cared?), I wrote all this down and sent it in.

Three days later, I got a phone message from the corporate headquarters woman who had been so outraged on my behalf, saying, “Hello? I know we spoke about SOMETHING on the phone the other day, but I didn’t take any notes and I’ve completely forgotten all about what we said. Will you just call me and tell me the whole thing again?”

By then I had run out of energy. Every now and then, this happens to me with hopeless causes. I realized I should write my novel and not devote any more precious brain cells to fixing this.

And then…a check came in the mail. For the full amount.

There were the usual pieces of paper that accompany corporate-looking checks, but none of the things written on them made any sense. No one said, “This is payment for the way we ripped you off. And by the way, that was not the CO-PAY.”

It just said the check was issued for Reason J. When you look up Reason J on the back of the form, it said: “If you have any questions why you got this check, call customer service.”

You know? I don’t think I will. They’re too busy dodging those flying pigs, I’m sure.