The New York Times in its helpfulness has come up with a list of questions couples should ask each other before they get married. Very sensible things–like should we have kids, do we agree about kids, finances, religion and sex, what’s going to happen if one of us gets a job elsewhere? 

These are good enough questions, I suppose, as far as they go. But I’m afraid they don’t go very far. I’ve been talking to friends about this, and we have come up with other questions that the New York Times, in its venerated state, didn’t even come close to.

Here are some very critical questions they might want to add for next time:

  • Are you able to envision a world in which a person might need more than three pairs of shoes?
  • Can you tell when someone has just had, say, two or more inches cut off her hair, or would you like to have this pointed out?
  • Can you sleep with the light on?
  • Are you constitutionally able to go to a movie that doesn’t have even one car chase?
  • Do you know how to operate a washing machine, dryer, dishwasher and steam iron?
  • What about a toilet brush?
  • Is a Dustbuster ever going to be an appropriate anniversary gift?
  • Do you know the correct answer to, “Does this make me look fat?”
  • Do you feel that there is an inherent connection between the Y chromosome and the remote control device?
  • Will you give back rubs on demand?
  • Without rolling your eyes and sighing?
  • And without any hope whatsoever of reciprocity?
  • If I need to gossip about the neighbors, will you join in with some juicy tidbits of your own?
  • Can $100 be a reasonable price for a pair of sandals?
  • What about if they’re very, very cute?