Okay, so I have a couple of eating issues:

A pound of toffee arrived in this morning’s mail, and there was no one home but me.

I am going out to a party tonight at the best pizza place in East Haven, which may be the town that makes the best pizza in the whole world. This pizza is so great they have to call it “apizza” because–well, they just do. Doesn’t it sound more authentic that way?

Tonight’s party will be the third night in a row I have eaten out, and despite all my good intentions, I have never once ordered just a salad. (Salad seems to be one of the most dangerous foods you can order these days anyway; you might as well order just a plate of arsenic, I think, as a Caesar salad.)

Luckily I am friends with Beth Levine, the queen of funniness, who has advised me the proper way of weighing oneself over the holidays so that life doesn’t get too depressing right when you need to be the most cheerful. Be sure and go to her website, where you can look at all the funny essays and stories she’s been writing for years for various magazines.

Here, meanwhile, are her foolproof rules:

The Only Correct Way to Weigh Yourself:
1. First thing in the morning. (Better yet, while you’re still asleep. Maybe you’re dreaming!)
2. After you’ve gone to the bathroom and before you’ve eaten.
3. Stark naked.
4. After you’ve brushed your teeth (plaque can add pounds).
5. Lean this way or that to make the scale needle move. Who is to say which is the correct point?
6. Weight usually varies by a half-pound each time you step up. Accept the number that appears two out of three times–unless that’s the higher number, in which case, go for three out of five.
7. Subtract a pound if your hair is wet.
8. Subtract 2 pounds if you are wearing underwear.
9. Subtract 4 pounds if you’ve had Chinese food the day before, or anytime it’s humid outside and your rings are tight.
10. Subtract 20 pounds if you have your period.
11. Never use anyone’s scale but your own. Everyone else’s is way off, unless it reads thinner. Then never use your own again.